Hi everyone! Today’s post is not sewing related.  I’m linking up with Kerry from My Life (His Mission) and Kerrie from The William’s Post   for “Hello My name is”. We were asked to share how GOD has changed our name. This is a small piece of my story. 

Hello My Name Is
 

I’m not perfect.

But, ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be. When you’re “perfect”, people can’t judge you. Men can’t hurt you. The pain of past mistakes and fears are forever banished by the illusion that all is well.

I know that these words aren’t true, but for a long time, this is how I lived my life — a shell. Broken. Always trying to tape up and paint over the cracks, so that people wouldn’t see how fragile I was.

Abuse is . . . abuse. Whatever the kind. Whomever it comes from. Whatever the shade of dominance.

I lost my voice. My heart’s voice, for years.  Silenced by the pain of rejection. And fear.  Docility becoming my modus operandi.

This is where I learned that GOD loves me,  I mean truly loves me. . . when I was at the bottom of faith’s hill scrambling for the dredges of my identity, shaking my fist toward heaven, demanding tangibility. More than a name. More than a story. More than a “feel good” song.

“I can’t break these chains! LORD [if YOU are real], show me YOUR hand!”

I’m thankful that GOD never ignores the cry of the broken-hearted and forgives us for our impetuousness. I am saved by HIS grace, alone, a sinner once removed.

I asked GOD to give me my voice back. HE gave me a pen and paper.  Every word that now drips from the tip of my pen  is one more note added to the beautiful melody that is now my life.  I can’t NOT write. I can’t NOT share. HE is real. My story, my redemption is proof. The great conductor of our soul is just waiting on us to remember who HE is, and believe.

No more cracks. No more broken shells. Through CHRIST I am free from the mess and chains of my past. I am whole again.

GOD has given me new names: Freedom, Power, Strength and Joy.

 

 

 

 

11pm . . . 2:12am . . . 4:31am . . . 5:17am . . . Okay. I’m up.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m HIGHLY uncomfortable with uncertainty, which is really crazy because having children and just living life in general is a sure guarantee for craziness at some point.

2 weeks ago my 5-year-old was playing around with his older brother. He lost his footing and fell head first onto the corner of a bench in their playroom. Immediately he had a giant gumball sized knot (looked like a basketball to me)  swell up between the bridge of his nose and his eyebrow. He screamed. I cried. My kids stared. Thankfully, my husband intervened and got some ice to reduce the swelling. It worked. By the next day the gumball was considerably smaller,  but it was at least 7 days before he no longer looked like some strange kid living in our home.

Why am I not used to this by now? We have a house full of boys. They wrestle. They fall off of things. They run around 24 hours a day whether inside or out. They climb trees, higher. . .higher . . .no, let’s go just high enough so we’d only break a bone if we fell, but nothing too serious. Everyday is truly an adventure in” let’s see if we can cause mom’s heart to drop just one more time”. I know they don’t really think this way, but from where I’m sitting, that’s what it feels like.

So, last week when my son was napping,  I noticed a slightly raised area near his brow where he’d fallen, so I ran my finger lightly across the area to check it. Was that a small piece of bone protruding? Seriously? Of course I shift into doctor mode. I’m on the internet looking up pics of facial anatomy. I’m looking at him and then back at the picture. Sinuses? No cartilage. Okay, no, bone. ACK!!!! I couldn’t tell. So, I go grab my husband and make him come into the room and look at our son. “What is that? “I ask pointing toward his face, already fidgeting around because I’m keenly aware of uncertainty’s presence in the room.  My husband shrugs his shoulders, leans in closer and rubs his finger across the protrusion. “I’m not sure what that is, but he’ll be fine”.

Umm. That’s not the answer I was looking for. You’re a guy, a boy, a male. Tell me that you did the exact same thing when you were his age and that you know with every ounce of certainty in your body that he is perfectly fine.

So then I call my dad. Another guy, boy, a male.

“Hey Dad, there’s this protrusion thing  just under the skin of his eye. What do you think it is?”

“Oh, it’s probably just a small piece of cartilage floating around”

“Huh?? What? Um. That doesn’t make me feel any better. “Cartilage floating around? What does that mean?”

“Well,  let me take a look at it tomorrow and I’ll let you know”. I have to wait another day? The suspense is killing me here.

So, the next day Grandpa Doc (He’s not really a doctor. He just plays one on TV. Ha! Ha!) examines the area and determines a doctors visit is probably in order. (Second and third opinions before the doctor’s opinion. Truly a village effort here, my friends.)

So, that’s where I am right now. 5am on Monday morning, typing some very raw (though slightly comical as I look back) feelings about motherhood, uncertainty, and just wishing for once that life didn’t have so many bumps, twists and turns. I’ll be taking my son to the doctor in a couple of hours which I’m not looking forward to. X-rays are sure to be on the menu today. Meanwhile, our little patient, climbed into our bed during the night and is now snuggled comfortably between my husband and me. It’s amazing how our children are able to rest in uncertainty. They generally don’t worry like we do. Their faith is in tact. I’m pretty sure that’s why JESUS said that we are to be like little children. They get it.

My prayer this morning was this:

FATHER, I trust you with all of my heart, but today, I’m not feeling like that’s very much. I’m trusting YOU to take the little that I have to give today and turn it into something great. Help me to walk in uncertainty and remember that YOU have it all under control.

Here’s hoping you’ll have the strength to look uncertainty in the eyes today without flinching!

Keep doin’ what you love, my friends!

Shannon

UPDATE:  x-rays were NOT required. Whew! The doctor said it was calcified scar tissue from the original injury that should disappear within a month or two. Thank you so much for your lovely comments and encouraging emails and support. Big hugs!!!

[green_box]For the winner of last week’s giveaway, click here.[/green_box]

[yellow_box]Motivation Mondays is a series that I started to share encouragement with moms. I use my past struggles as well as triumphs as a backdrop for my writing in the hope that just as others have helped me along the way, my readers will find something beneficial to carry along with them throughout their week. I believe that community is important as well as honesty and transparency.Want to chat? Send me an email: littlekidsgrow (a) gmail (dot) com. My welcome mat is always at the door.[/yellow_box]

 

Life is full of starts and stops. I was thinking about this the other day as I picked up my home phone to make a call and heard nothing but silence on the other end.

Dead again.

(Really?)

We’d been battling internet/phone service providers, utility line workers and every customer service rep in between for over 3 weeks to no avail. One tech would come out to our house to wire something or other. A few days later another tech (from the same company) would come back out and say that the first guy wired everything wrong. And this back and forth thing went on for weeks. For some reason beyond our control, we were in a holding pattern. Apparently, the control tower and the pilot spoke two different languages, were getting their signals crossed, and no one could figure out how to land the plane safely.  Isn’t this just like life sometimes? You’re ready to move forward, but nothing else seems to be aligning.

Ready, set . . . Oops! False start, back to the starting line.

It’s tough when you prepare for something and you know in your heart you’re ready for it, but no matter how hard you try, it just doesn’t seem to be working in your favor. I felt like this recently in my own business when after years of planning and preparing for the “big break”, everything seemed to fizzle out like an old can of soda. I was prepared, no doubt,  but just like our recent service battles in my home, for whatever reason, nothing seemed to be working.  I had to go back to the starting line and wait for the sound of the starter gun again . . . and that, my friends, really hurt.

So what do you do when things don’t work out the way you’d planned? Well, I for one, did a whole lot of praying and asked GOD a ton of questions. Ultimately, it all boiled down to this:

All we can do is our very best. What appears to be a “holding pattern” could possibly just be GOD clearing the runway for us.

Disappointment is never fun, but a little patience and extra preparation never hurt anyone. :)

Have an awesome week!

Keep doin’ what you love,

Shannon

[yellow_box]Motivation Mondays is a series that I started to share encouragement with moms. I use my past struggles as well as triumphs as a backdrop for my writing in the hope that just as others have helped me along the way, my readers will find something beneficial to carry along with them throughout their week. I believe that community is important as well as honesty and transparency.Want to chat? Send me an email: littlekidsgrow (a) gmail (dot) com. My welcome mat is always at the door.[/yellow_box]

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